5. Oh No! Giant Chickens With Gyno Are Coming to Get Us!
I suppose it’s commendable that well-meaning mommas rummage around the frozen food sections of grocery stores looking for chicken labeled “hormone free” or “natural,” but it’s a waste of momma love.
The “hormone free” label is unnecessary and manipulative since the use of hormones in poultry is illegal. As far as “natural,” it means that there aren’t any artificial ingredients or preservatives in the chicken, but that’s true of almost any bird in any grocery store.
And as long as we’re on the subject of labels, “free range” suggests that the chickens lead idyllic lives ranging the prairies for grasshoppers and the meaning of life.
Unfortunately, it only means they have access to the outside, but that could mean there’s a hole in the wall they could theoretically squeeze through, or maybe have access to a small fenced-in area of concrete that’s adjacent to Interstate 5.
“Farm raised” is probably the silliest of all, since few chickens are raised on golf courses, sorority houses, or in the back offices of Charles Schwab.